Friday, April 22, 2005


About a month ago I came to work only to realize that half the women in my office were wearing the same brand of jeans- and it was noticeable. On each plumped-up back pocket was a folded flap of extra fabric in the shape of a skinny, obtuse triangle. I haven't found out yet what design house these jeans are from, but this ridiculous fashion trend of wearing the most expensive "premium" jeans has got to end somewhere, sometime soon, right?

Ghetto Games

Bling Bling In A Box:,0,5041955.story?coll=la-home-style

Okay, I'd already heard about Ghettopoly, but did it have to go any further? Eat collard greens, gain 2 points, eat Special K, go to jail.

Celebrity Sightings

Attention all 13-year-old girls: Tonight, Orlando Bloom is in town and on May 4th he'll be at the Ziegfeld Theatre premiere of his new movie "Kingdom of Heaven."

My bosses are going to these events, so I'm letting you all in on the scoops.

Jack Nicholson will be in town indefinitely to start filming a new Martin Scorcese film, starting on April 25th.

Maggie Gyllenhaal will be here for the Tribeca Film Festival. Look out for her tonight at Stuyvesant High School around 6:30 p.m. Don't forget your digicam!

after-work cliches

Yesterday I participated in a very cliched event- the happy hour. I never usually do this but it was one of my friends' 30th birthday. Five of us were there, three of us got hit on by nasty old men, and all of us got a little tipsy. Consequently, there was a lot of gossiping.

It turns out that a former assistant who was recently promoted is a bit jealous of me! My, oh my! What have I done to deserve such a compliment?

Let's call her Amy. Amy was hired as an assistant in the department where I was working as an intern almost 3 years ago. And since she began work here, a lot of other young ladies were promoted before her. That, I'm sure, didn't feel nice. So, Amy somehow got herself in good with the guy who's in charge of promotions, started dating a writer here (this has yet to be confirmed by his or her people, but it's common water cooler knowledge), and suddenly, in a very short time period, was promoted.

So, I'm glad for her. Now she's doing real work. The only thing that upsets me is that her cubicle is next to mine, so throughout the day various other promoted chicks and her semi-boyfriend writer walk by and chitchat with her. Loudly. And they giggle a lot.

But then, last night at drinks, a good friend of mine and confidant here at the office told me that she overheard Amy talking to the chick in the cube next to hers, let's call her Maria, saying how my boss, let's call him Patrick, is fond of me. Actually, here's what she said, "Patrick really likes (my name here). I don't know why."

Well, maybe, chica if you spent a little more time getting to know the girl next to you, instead of giving blowjobs in the conference room, you'd understand why everyone likes me. And, I deserve for Patrick to finally treat me like a normal human being deserving of respect- do you know how much of his shit I've taken?! Do you?

I was never more annoyed. Well, that's not true. But seriously. I was ready last night to walk in today and pour coffee on her keyboard. What I wish I could do is approach her walking down a darkened street and smack the bleach-blonde out of her hair. She needs to get rid of that.

Okay, I want to stop sounding like a bitch. Because, really, I was happy for her. I know how much it hurts to be passed over for a promotion to someone who was hired after you. Not that it happened to me, I'm just saying.

Also, yesterday was funny because I picked up a book on our giveaway table, and inside of it was a letter of warning to a top writer here, and it was personal. It the sender of the letter was someone on his co-op board and it said that they're thinking of taking legal action against him for the filth he's letting fester in his apartment. It said that he constantly leaves a trash bag outside of his front door that attracts rodents and that they believe he is "single-handedly trying to destroy" the property that they have "done everything in their power to improve." It was hilarious! I was good about it, though. I slipped it back onto his desk so that nobody else would see it. There was no reason for me to leave it out, I don't have anything against him. Yet...

I did speak to the guy in charge of promotions yesterday, and his direct deputy, about what I need to do to get in line to be promoted. I'm doing the work for his department already, and balancing it with being an assistant. He said that the competition is very fierce but that I'm doing the right things. I took that as a noncommittal. But, luckily, since Patrick's started to like me more he said he'd do anything in his power to support me. Let's cross our fingers!

Shakespeare, a fag hag?

I didn't know Christopher Marlowe was gay. I didn't see that subplot in Shakespeare in Love. Did you? Why didn't you tell me?

Wednesday, April 20, 2005


You know those glossy magazines whose headlines taunt you from the kioskin the subway platform to read their juicy celebrity gossip? You know, like,"Is This It For Nick and Jessica?" and "Britney: The Child She Wants" and"Reese Witherspoon, Verging on the edge of Psychopathy?", the ones that everyonein New York secretly wishes they worked for but that everyone who works theresecretly wishes would fold? I work at one of those places, and trust me,you wouldn't "kill for this job."

It's at one of those magazinesthat I hold the lowly title of Assistant. Assistant is actually a more pathetictitle than Intern because Interns actually have potential. They may somedaybe somebody. Or, not.

Because it is in this world of uber-important"Top Editors" and jetsetting "Publicists", where coffee is made by a gaggleof frumpy, misfit women with chipping nailpolish and Chinatown-made "designer"handbags at their cubicles, that the careers of many are unmade. Becauseit's all political in the fight for a promotion, and those overlooked despitetheir 7-year experience making coffee, faxing and messengering things "rightaway", even though their first novel is being published, will never be recognizedfor their writing skills, skills which have even sometimes been touted inTime Out New York.

In fact, one intern, who eavesdropped on my conversationwith another assistant today outside of a restaurant on our lunch break,came to me afterwards to whine, "This talk is scaring me."

Of course it's scaring you! You suck, just like the rest of us, ASS-istant!